2 weeks away...

In just two weeks time, I'll have undergone surgery for FAI. ::insert wide eyed emoji here::

I'm really starting to get depressed about the whole situation. Why is it different than last week? Well bc now it's becomming really real. I literally have thoughts of emailing or calling my surgeon daily and asking all sorts of questions- mostly in the panicky form though. For one, like, am I going to die in surgery bc I couldn't handle the anesthesia? Ugh, that thought makes me cringe. I know it's silly, but I literally just read about a guy in his 30's who did die while having knee surgery. So I'm all sorts of panicked about that. I have nightmares about leaving my kids no mother, all bc I wanted to be active again without pain. 

I also imagine me breaking down crying pretty regularly after surgery. I'm a sensitive girl anyways, so add pain to the mix and just emotionally exhausted, I see lots of tears in my future. 

Aside from my mental freak outs ... I have officially hung up my running shoes. I ran just twice last week on the treadmill, and it hurt badly that entire day and the next, at least. Even sitting in the car was awful. I feel like that's my body's way of telling me to chillax, maybe get some other form of cardio in as well. So fasted cardio will have to be on my bike the next 2 weeks. 4-5 times per week, whatever I can muster. I will say- it's nicer than the treadmill bc I was so badly starting to hate running bc of how boring it was. I also did the elliptical and ARC trainer at the gym last week, and didn't hate it. So I'm hoping to do 3-4 days of that per week until my surgery, too. Just in an effort to shed some more calories. 

I actually read that the recovery is easier for those who were pretty active up until surgery. I'm hoping that's me, only time will tell. At least if I give up running right now, I won't be as inflamed... 

Ryan (my husband) and I are going to the gym together this weekend for the sole purpose of getting a routine down that I can do for upper body, and figuring out how much weight I can use without putting stress on my joint and core. I'm hoping to get maybe two of those "sessions", to really be able to identity for afterwards what I can and should not do. I've worked really hard to build muscle during my "bodybuilding" phase, that I don't want to lose what I do have!

That's it for now ... I think I want to touch on how I feel like people don't really get the seriousness of this surgery in my next post. 

Emotions before getting FAI surgery

I was just sitting on the couch yesterday during the girls' nap time, and I took it upon myself to browse google for FAI blogs. (Which is actually why I started this one, bc they are kind of rare.) (And also bc I found the ones I did see pretty helpful.) I know that the recovery after surgery is a pretty lengthy one, not to mention exhausting- emotionally too. But after reading other people's stories- I just broke down into tears. How can somebody possibly be ready to endure months and months of pain, question, fear, and still manage to push through? I cried bc, will I ever be able to get back to the running I so loved to do? Will I have to do PT exercises daily for MONTHS through the exhaustion? Will I get be pain free after all is said and done?

It's kind of weird, also, that my hip pain has actually increased greatly in the past few weeks. Not to mention- my left (non surgical) hip as well. I wrote in a previous post that I have FAI in both hips- but since my right one is more painful we are operating on that one first, with talks of doing the left hip later this year. 

So if you're hearing me, that's one full year (plus) of rehabbing my hips. I am tired just thinking about it. But I have this fight in me. It makes me want to do everything I can possibly do for a great experience, and a full recovery to be able to run half marathons again, and quite possibly, a full. 

So I have my good days and bad days. On my good days is where I am having pain that I'm like "heck yeah wheel me I to the operating room right now!" But then I have bad days, where I still have some degree of pain, but that I worry about everything. I worry about the pain of surgery and the weeks after while healing, the PT, how will I be able to take care of my girls, will I be able to do the things I used to on a daily basis, will I be bored to tears laying around watching TV (I have a feeling it's not as relaxing as it sounds), will I gain an enormous amount of weight, how will I cook, etc etc etc. 

Yes, I am terribly worried about my weight and being able to take care of my body while being relatively sedentary. I mentioned in my blog that I had gotten used to being able to eat what I wanted within reason while running, and once that came to a halt, I had to really curb my eating and switch up my exercise. Although I aim to eat clean about 85-90% of the time, I still enjoy my goodies: like a weekly Starbucks trip, a soda per week, maybe a donut or ice cream trip too. That's life. And I can't tell myself to not have a treat every now and then. However, right now I'm still able to do some cardio and weight lifting, to keep my metabolism up. What on earth will I do when laying around for several weeks after surgery? 

I have yet to find a blog that talks about how they dealt with this situation. Maybe I'm just an odd person out and nobody else worried about this or found it to be a problem, but I am somebody who has to work for my shape by more ways than just eating healthy. I am truly worried about this issue and I hope I can figure out a way to maintain my weight- and to be able to get my heart rate up somehow for activity. 

My hope is that I will eat even cleaner (maybe 90-95%, but with a planned cheat meal, coffee outing, and dessert per week to maintain my sanity), and by lifting weights for my upper body. I know I will need to talk in depth with my physical therapist about what I can do, though, so that I don't aggravate my hip after surgery. 

I also worry that I will eat out of boredom from laying around a lot, and gain 100 lbs. :-| 

Anyways. I think it's all relative on how my mind is all over the place right now. I won't know if it will have been worth it for several years. But in the meantime I'm just hoping to stay on par with my goals throughout this process!!!

Pre-Op, and then some

Ever since my last appointment, I had decided to take it upon myself to eat much cleaner. I think I had been in denial for 4 months that I wasn't a runner anymore, that I should stop eating like I was. I should clarify that I don't nor will I ever eat 100% clean. I love all the food, and I need my treats! I'd say I'm somewhere along the lines of 85-90% clean, though. In addition to that, I decided that I would do fasted cardio until my surgery (I was already 2 weeks in, but it would be a total of 5 weeks). Since I could run with the least amount of pain on my treadmill, I stuck to doing that for 20-30 minutes per session, OR riding my exercise bike for about 30 minutes. I also kept up with my strength training at the gym ... but I had an epiphany one day ...

When my hip first started hurting and I couldn't run like I had been used to, I was mad. I would see another runner and huff. I would get my runner's magazine in the mail and toss it aside without even reading it. When I saw people writing about a race they did, I'd be so jealous and mad. 

I didn't like that person I was becomming. I'd make the comment of "If there is any time to not run, it's during winter!" especially when we were having the worst one in years- but thinking that would make me feel a little bit better. 

Then something happened. I can't pinpoint what it was, but it was when I came to the realization that I was not a bodybuilder like I was trying to turn into: I was a runner. And whether I had an injury or not and I just couldn't physically run like I used to, I was still a runner. And I'd get back to that point again someday. And if I was going through this surgery I was committing to a marathon one day, dang it. 

But I decided I'd still lift. For strength, for definition, for overall health, for aide in running. Plus after surgery I can't do much cardio anyways, so I'd still strength train in the meantime (& hopefully once I'm back to normal, in conjunction with running). 

Now that my epiphany is out of the way, and that I declare myself a runner (that still lifts), I have to go over my pre-op appointment.

My husband and I drove back to OSU on Friday, April 18. It was actually a nice day out for us. We dropped the kids off at my sisters, and drove 2 hours away. First stop was my ct scan that took all of 5 minutes! After that we went to Moe's- it's our favorite restaurant that we do not have near us! We stilled time to kill before my appt with Dr. Ryan, so we went to Polaris and did some shopping. But eventually we were lead to my appointment. 

I first met with a nurse who took my weight, etc, and I was excited to learn I had lost about 5 lbs in just 2 weeks of eating clean, plus fasted cardio (probably a lot of water weight, too).  Then I met with the Nurse Practitioner who went over the surgery itself, and had me sign some papers. She told me about Game Ready- but my insurance doesn't cover it- which is $300 out of pocket from my surgery date to my first post op appointment - which is about 2.5 weeks of renting. We are doing it, bc I am willing to do anything to help my recovery, and it sounds amazing as it ices and compresses. After we got general questions out of the way, we met with my surgeon, Dr. Ryan. He went over much of the same stuff as well. We talked about my PT plan which he gave me a guide to give to my therapist. I'm going to one in my area since it'd be a bit much to drive 4 hours a day several times per week to go to OSU. :) we also talked about my left hip which had been bothering me, and he stated that if it were also to need surgery, they like to do them about 6 months (give or take) apart, so to have a more stable leg as well. When he pulled up my CT scan, he confirmed that I also have FAI in my left hip as well. So pending on how everything goes ... we are looking at having a 2nd surgery later this year- but we will start the left hip process at my follow up appointments later on. 

I then met with his assistant, and set a surgery date for May 12. That's a Monday, and being that it's 2 hours away and could potentially be first thing in the morning, my mother-in-law is coming on Sunday to stay until Tuesday- she will be with the kids on Monday until we get home- which I am assuming is later that day, and leaving Tuesday morning. My husband will be taking that whole week off of work to help too. Actually, he works from home so even when he does go back to work, he will be able to help out a ton, especially driving me to my PT appointments since I won't be able to drive for up to a month. And speaking of, I met with my PT again yesterday, and she said she will likely have me going to PT 3x per week, and the program is for 16 weeks. I also read about ART and how that aides in recovery, so I'd like to do that about once a week too- maybe after about a month post-op. We will see what my PT and surgeon say. 

Anyways, I'll end this post for now. There are a couple of "deep thoughts" I want to touch on, so I'll be sure to write about them soon, before my surgery!

Finally, a diagnosis!

Since the beginning of February, I gave up on running and being a cardio bunny in general. This upset me, bc I worked so hard to get to where I was at with my running, and also bc it really slimmed me down. I could eat pretty much whatever I wanted and I would still lose weight bc of all the running. I hated to stop that!

But, I still needed to do something physical. I mentioned earlier that I took up strength training, and when I say strength training, I mean I wanted to be a bodybuilder. If I couldn't run, I was going to find something else to do to be active. So I started lifting heavy, drinking protein shakes, taking supplements, etc. I noticed some change in my upper body physically, but in don't think I was ever mentally there. Nor did I like that the scale still didn't change much. (At this point, I had gained 10 lbs from not running.) 

Are you all learning I'm a little vain when it comes to my body? I hate to say it, but I think it's imperative to mention for when I begin to talk about my thought process with surgery and then recovery. But it is what it is, I want to have a nice body that I feel comfortable in and proud of from all the work I put into it. Which is exactly how I felt when I was running so much. 

Moving on.

At the beginning of March I had my consult with Dr. Ryan at OSU. I drove to Columbus by myself that day, stopping first to get an MRI, then to Dr. Ryan's office, where I also got more X-rays. I met with a Nurse Practioner first, whom I really really liked, and then Dr. Ryan himself. We talked about everything I had already done, and then more specifically the pain I had. I mentioned that it was an oddity that every time I went grocery shopping was when I felt it the most (from standing up for so long). And that running outside was way worse than on the treadmill. That the small of my back was very painful, sometimes radiating into my butt. My groin pinched. My hip all up and down it burned and ached. The symptoms worsened with cardio type activity, and that sometimes I had great days with no pain, but I often had horrible days. Sometimes, I would feel like my other hip would act up too, but maybe bc it was overcompensating for my right (painful) hip. 

It was then that dr Ryan pulled up my MRI and X-rays, and gave me the official diagnosis of FAI in my right hip. He also mentioned that the labrum had some fray to it, but wasn't completely torn. His next step was to have me get a hip fluoroscopy injection, but that I could do that in my area so I wouldn't have to travel back just for that. He said that often times that if the hip injection provides somebody with relief from pain, that it's a good indication that the pain is coming directly from the impingement. 

So onward to the hip injection. 

I had it done in my area the following week, and it really wasn't too bad. There was a little bit of pressure, but not terrible. I think I was just more freaked out about this long thick needle going into my hip cavity than anything! Once I got home I was able to access the situation a bit more. I did still feel pain in my low back, and also in my groin, however, the pain up and down my leg was completely gone. This was great news! I even ran the next day and it felt great! 

This was good news to have an official diagnosis, but also defeating news to me, in that it was a good chance I'd need the surgery to feel relief from the pain brought on by FAI. It was at that point that I went back and forth on if I truly wanted to get surgery. On one hand, I didn't feel pain if I hadn't been active. On the other hand, I like to be active, and that's how I keep my shape. But man oh man, after reading other people's FAI stories, I feel like it's gruesome and I didn't want to go through that. I literally wavered back and forth for days and a few weeks on if I wanted to get the surgery. 

Ultimately, I knew that since the condition is bc of extra bone- there was nothing other than surgery that could fix it. And maybe I also came to the realization that I needed it after having a painful couple of days as well. 

I went to my follow up appointment at the beginning of April to see Dr. Ryan again, and this time my husband came with me. I learned here that I had both CAM and PINCER type FAI, as well. We talked about where to go from here. Dr. Ryan is a very conservative guy, that I really feel like wants you to want the surgery 100% before committing to it. He's great in that he makes you think long and hard if you want to go through with it, plus the recovery, etc, and to make sure we know there are other options as well- which is mostly more PT and not being as active in cardio and such. I do understand all of that, but I feel like- in my case- I'm still young, and have a lot of desire left in me to follow my dreams of being a runner again. Something that I could not do at all if I did not have this surgery. 

Another disclaimer- I do understand that the surgery isn't a promise to make me a marathon runner, and that there is always a chance it doesn't make the pain better. But. I have to try. If I don't, I will always live in the land of the "unknown" and "what ifs". 

From there, we schedule an appointment to come back for Pre-Op instructions ...

The long road to a diagnosis ...

I feel like I need to preface this post by saying I always ran, but was never really a runner. I never thought I would be nor did I care to be. I was fine running 1-2 miles, 3x per week. However, I got bit by a running bug, and was asked to join some friends in running a 10k. I caved and did it, and during my training was when I decided to run a Half Marathon, bc "I was already halfway there", and maybe also bc I was up to running a 10k 4 months before the actual race, so I just decided to push myself more.

I didn't end up falling in love with it until about 4 months of really pushing myself. Of course, I still had horrible runs and hated every second, but for the most part, I loved it and feel like I found my nitch. Enter Half Marathon #1. It was just "meh". So I signed up for another just 7 weeks after the first, and it was amazing. So amazing that I was contemplating doing a full marathon a year away (for fall of 2014).  Except, I started getting this nagging hip pain on my right side ...

I went back to my orthopedic surgeon again. Oh wait I forgot to mention the first visit. Basically it was in between half marathon 1 & 2, bc my knee was killing me. He gave me a steroid pack hat I took for one week, and that did the trick completely. (But now that I have a diagnosis of FAI, I know the knee pain was related. More on that later.)

Back to my 2nd ortho visit, where I addressed my hip pain. He diagnosed me with trochanteric bursitis, and told me it should go away on its own, but if it doesn't, to come back in a month.

So, a month passed, and it was back at the ortho bc the pain did not go away. In fact, I distinctly remember during this "month wait", going out for a 9 mile run, and it was brutal. I got to 5 miles and called my husband crying to come pick me up. Eventually I made him take me back bc I wasn't a quitter. I would start running and it was extremely painful, but when I got into the groove it was decent. One time I stopped and started and a horrible flash of pain ran down my groin into my leg and hip, but I pushed through. That was my last longer distance run to date, in mid December 2013.

But back to the ortho for a follow up bc the pain was still present, and he decides to give me a cortisone shot. This was December 23, 2013, and by the beginning of the new year the pain had not decreased at all. I put a call back in to the ortho, and he said to take some time off of running. Onward to a 2nd opinion ...

On January 6, 2014, I went to a different ortho. This experience was awful- but mainly bc of the 2 hour wait and 5 minute actual visit with the doctor, who pretty much concurred with the first ortho in that it was bursitis. Bah humbug!

Another month passed, and I remember my first ortho had mentioned trying the same steroid pack that I had taken for me knee. I decided to give it a go bc I wanted to try everything to get my hip back to normal. I hadn't been running as much yet I was still eating like a long distance runner. Not great for my weight! My ortho also said he wanted me to go to Physical Therapy for one month in addition to the steroid pack. So for the entire month of February, I was dedicated to PT twice a week, plus 4-5 days per week at home. I'd also taken up strength training to build some muscle in my upper body in the meantime.

Disclaimer: since turning into a runner, I have declared myself a fitness fanatic, and have to be doing something to keep my heart rate up and body looking slim!

During one of my PT sessions, my therapist mentioned a labrum tear bc of the pain in my groin. She said there weren't many doctors in my area that dealt with this, that I'd have to go to Ohio State or Cleveland- the two areas closest to me, but first I should give PT a chance.

In the meantime, I was catching up with a high school friend on Facebook, who mentions her previous hip surgery, and I begin to bombard her message box with all kinds of questions. She had FAI surgery in Cleveland, but said if she had to do it all over again, she'd go to OSU. 

Enter my mind going a million miles per second, and my fingers all over google on the iPad. 

Maybe I had FAI...

I finished up with my PT sessions and went back to my ortho for a follow up. I mention FAI and labrum tears, and he agrees that they don't do those in our area, and he'd refer me out. It was then that I decided on my own, to make an appointment with a doctor at OSU, which is 2 hours away from us. 

I feel like I had exhausted all options on treatment- rest, PT, cortisone shot, steroid pack. It was time to move forward and not waste anymore time.

I made my appointment with Dr. Ryan at OSU for the beginning of May...

Why this blog?

I have another blog that I treat as a "baby book" for my girls, but I felt the need to start a blog just based on my upcoming FAI surgery (& so to not hog their blog with my woes!) I feel like FAI is such an uncommon and unknown thing, and something that has really helped me prepare for my surgery is by reading other people's experience with the surgery and beyond through recovery. So my hope is to share what brought me to this point, how my surgery goes, and how I recover. I'm hoping all of it will be helpful to others that are searching for more information, just as I was (and currently am).

I'll include my story and progress in separate posts, but please do not hesitate to email me if you have any questions. Besides just writing to document my experience, I'm doing this for YOU too.

Best,
Meredith