Emotions before getting FAI surgery

I was just sitting on the couch yesterday during the girls' nap time, and I took it upon myself to browse google for FAI blogs. (Which is actually why I started this one, bc they are kind of rare.) (And also bc I found the ones I did see pretty helpful.) I know that the recovery after surgery is a pretty lengthy one, not to mention exhausting- emotionally too. But after reading other people's stories- I just broke down into tears. How can somebody possibly be ready to endure months and months of pain, question, fear, and still manage to push through? I cried bc, will I ever be able to get back to the running I so loved to do? Will I have to do PT exercises daily for MONTHS through the exhaustion? Will I get be pain free after all is said and done?

It's kind of weird, also, that my hip pain has actually increased greatly in the past few weeks. Not to mention- my left (non surgical) hip as well. I wrote in a previous post that I have FAI in both hips- but since my right one is more painful we are operating on that one first, with talks of doing the left hip later this year. 

So if you're hearing me, that's one full year (plus) of rehabbing my hips. I am tired just thinking about it. But I have this fight in me. It makes me want to do everything I can possibly do for a great experience, and a full recovery to be able to run half marathons again, and quite possibly, a full. 

So I have my good days and bad days. On my good days is where I am having pain that I'm like "heck yeah wheel me I to the operating room right now!" But then I have bad days, where I still have some degree of pain, but that I worry about everything. I worry about the pain of surgery and the weeks after while healing, the PT, how will I be able to take care of my girls, will I be able to do the things I used to on a daily basis, will I be bored to tears laying around watching TV (I have a feeling it's not as relaxing as it sounds), will I gain an enormous amount of weight, how will I cook, etc etc etc. 

Yes, I am terribly worried about my weight and being able to take care of my body while being relatively sedentary. I mentioned in my blog that I had gotten used to being able to eat what I wanted within reason while running, and once that came to a halt, I had to really curb my eating and switch up my exercise. Although I aim to eat clean about 85-90% of the time, I still enjoy my goodies: like a weekly Starbucks trip, a soda per week, maybe a donut or ice cream trip too. That's life. And I can't tell myself to not have a treat every now and then. However, right now I'm still able to do some cardio and weight lifting, to keep my metabolism up. What on earth will I do when laying around for several weeks after surgery? 

I have yet to find a blog that talks about how they dealt with this situation. Maybe I'm just an odd person out and nobody else worried about this or found it to be a problem, but I am somebody who has to work for my shape by more ways than just eating healthy. I am truly worried about this issue and I hope I can figure out a way to maintain my weight- and to be able to get my heart rate up somehow for activity. 

My hope is that I will eat even cleaner (maybe 90-95%, but with a planned cheat meal, coffee outing, and dessert per week to maintain my sanity), and by lifting weights for my upper body. I know I will need to talk in depth with my physical therapist about what I can do, though, so that I don't aggravate my hip after surgery. 

I also worry that I will eat out of boredom from laying around a lot, and gain 100 lbs. :-| 

Anyways. I think it's all relative on how my mind is all over the place right now. I won't know if it will have been worth it for several years. But in the meantime I'm just hoping to stay on par with my goals throughout this process!!!