I'm really starting to get depressed about the whole situation. Why is it different than last week? Well bc now it's becomming really real. I literally have thoughts of emailing or calling my surgeon daily and asking all sorts of questions- mostly in the panicky form though. For one, like, am I going to die in surgery bc I couldn't handle the anesthesia? Ugh, that thought makes me cringe. I know it's silly, but I literally just read about a guy in his 30's who did die while having knee surgery. So I'm all sorts of panicked about that. I have nightmares about leaving my kids no mother, all bc I wanted to be active again without pain.
I also imagine me breaking down crying pretty regularly after surgery. I'm a sensitive girl anyways, so add pain to the mix and just emotionally exhausted, I see lots of tears in my future.
Aside from my mental freak outs ... I have officially hung up my running shoes. I ran just twice last week on the treadmill, and it hurt badly that entire day and the next, at least. Even sitting in the car was awful. I feel like that's my body's way of telling me to chillax, maybe get some other form of cardio in as well. So fasted cardio will have to be on my bike the next 2 weeks. 4-5 times per week, whatever I can muster. I will say- it's nicer than the treadmill bc I was so badly starting to hate running bc of how boring it was. I also did the elliptical and ARC trainer at the gym last week, and didn't hate it. So I'm hoping to do 3-4 days of that per week until my surgery, too. Just in an effort to shed some more calories.
I actually read that the recovery is easier for those who were pretty active up until surgery. I'm hoping that's me, only time will tell. At least if I give up running right now, I won't be as inflamed...
Ryan (my husband) and I are going to the gym together this weekend for the sole purpose of getting a routine down that I can do for upper body, and figuring out how much weight I can use without putting stress on my joint and core. I'm hoping to get maybe two of those "sessions", to really be able to identity for afterwards what I can and should not do. I've worked really hard to build muscle during my "bodybuilding" phase, that I don't want to lose what I do have!
That's it for now ... I think I want to touch on how I feel like people don't really get the seriousness of this surgery in my next post.
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